It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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