Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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