I could make wine with my vomit
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize
