Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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