Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
how does that bad decision feel?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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