I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
