If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
