When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
