He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Randomize
