The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Dicks are not precious.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
