fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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