Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
