i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
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We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
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But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize