I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
