I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
