Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
