halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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