The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
