Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
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He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
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She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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