she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
