I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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