don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
