The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
