The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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