tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
