No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
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