You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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