The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
