Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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