you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
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