first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
