I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Randomize
