im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
