he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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