Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
