he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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