It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Randomize
