Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
