Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
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