i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
