i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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