And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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