pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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