i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
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