remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
