someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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