i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
now i know why i became what i already was.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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