I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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