Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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