I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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