can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
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