Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Houston, we have a blender
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
