just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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