Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
