she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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