If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
