So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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